Depression + The Mustard Seed

I went to Colorado for spring break; the soft chilly air enveloped every surface. After being diagnosed with severe depression and a panic disorder I craved the unfamiliar cold. There were a million options placed in front of me when I left the hospital; instead of choosing my next steps, I ran off to see mountains. I chased the adventures, the thrill-seeking distractions, to avoid facing the pain I felt. But there wasn’t enough adrenaline I could gain that could stop me from storming out of the rooms in my mind. It was easy to pretend I was fine but the reality was I needed help.

When I returned home from the trip I was joyful briefly, the reality of my mental health set in and I lost myself in waves of depressive episodes and fear. It felt like my mind was breaking up with my body and hopelessness was the replacement. I avoided my bible, avoided talking to Jesus, I ran out of words to say. A passage in the bible flashed through my thoughts after several weeks of struggling. It was about the disciples who could not heal a young boy of his demons and asked they Jesus why they could not perform. And Jesus answered, “Because you have so little faith. For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

I ask Jesus for mustard seed faith daily. Depression is mental illness but also a mountain I need moved continuously. For many who struggle with their mental health, asking for help can seem like an impossible task.

Since that trip to Colorado I’ve grown in my personal faith but also in my mental health. The understanding, that living with a mental illness is not impossible keeps me moving forward. I strive to share my story with others in hopes that they find their mustard seed too.

 

By Neke Carey

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